


The Spice Smugglers of Kessel, or Troubles with Time

by Annariel



Category: Doctor Who, Gilbert & Sullivan & Related Fandoms, Man From U.N.C.L.E., Sapphire and Steel, Star Wars Original Trilogy, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Humor, Other, Pastiche, Singing, This is not my fault, operetta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 12:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annariel/pseuds/Annariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steel has reached the age of his majority and is about to discover the secret of his birth!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spice Smugglers of Kessel, or Troubles with Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Justice_Turtle (Curuchamion)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curuchamion/gifts).



> My normal approach, when my brain produces something like this, is to wail piteously that _This is not my fault_. In this case this approach is difficult. However, when I first mentioned it to fredbassett, she said "Go for it!" so I'm going to blame here.
> 
> She also needs thanks for beta-reading.

Scene.- the Bridge of the Millennium Falcon.

(LIZ SHAW, JO GRANT, BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART, SERGEANT BENTON, CAPTAIN YATES and MISCELLANEOUS UNIT SOLDIERS enter)

  
CHORUS OF UNIT MEMBERS.

We sail the star scape blue,  
And our saucy ship's a beauty;  
We're sober men and true,  
And attentive to our duty.  
When a fight is apace  
In the dark black space  
We stand to our guns all day;  
When in spice port we bide  
On the Kessel side,  
We have plenty of time to play.  
Ahoy, ahoy, etc.,  


(Enter THE THIRD DOCTOR, HAN SOLO, STEEL and IDRIS)

  
SONG - HAN SOLO

HAN: Oh, better far to live and die  
Under the brave black flag I fly,  
Than play a sanctimonious part  
With a smugglers head and a smuggler's heart.  
Away to the cheating world go you,  
Where smugglers all are well-to-do;  
But I'll be true to the song I sing,  
And live and die a Smuggler King.  
For I am a Smuggler King!  
And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Smuggler King!  
For I am a Smuggler King!  
ALL: You are!  
Hurrah for the Smuggler King!  
HAN: And it is, it is a glorious thing  
To be a Smuggler King.  
ALL: It is!  
Hurrah for the Smuggler King!  
Hurrah for the Smuggler King!  


HAN: Steel, to-day you reach your majority and rank as a full-blown member of the Spice Smugglers of Kessel.

ALL: Hurrah!

THIRD DOCTOR (stepping forward): And today we may reveal the secret of your birth!

STEEL: But my berth is no secret. It is here aboard the Millennium Falcon.

ALL: True! True!

IDRIS: I feel there is something I have forgotten.

THIRD DOCTOR: Let me explain.

  
RECITATIVE - THE THIRD DOCTOR

Time, space and science, rob me of my rest:  
Time, endless time, my ardent soul encumbers:  
The tale, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,  
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!

SONG - THE THIRD DOCTOR

I'm a time lord in exile, in elegant textiles, and taking my ship for a test drive  
We chanced on Stark Tower, all filled up with power, and barely escaped with our own lives  
For a time storm was raging, and people were aging, with rapidity simply amazing  
Artron energy sparked, and the chronons were arced, and the temporal eras were phasing  
To the eye of the maelstrom, we hastened with aplomb, in order to solve all the trouble,  
And found there a baby, in carpet bag, maybe, and somehow we were seeing double,  
With the babe in one hand, barely able to stand, I flew us all deep in the vortex  
The TARDIS was buffered, by time winds all huffered, and broke her celestial cortex  
She turned into a human, so we became crewmen, and I fixed the Falcon's light speed drive,  
We smuggled as spice hands, I extended our life spans, and kept us all young and so alive,

If correct are my sums, and I used both my thumbs, then the great day should now just be dawning  
For the sweet babe has grown, and come into his own, to remember all his life this morning.  
The storm caused a rewind, of his body and mind, and all of that now should be mended  
My ship will be fixed, all confusion unmixed, and the tedious smuggling be ended  
What ere caused the time storm, I'm unclear of its form, we left it behind at Stark Tower  
And so there's no risk, on this dark moon's whole disc, of repeating that desperate hour  
Once all is restored, and I hope for applause, we'll return from the time whence we came  
And leave Han on Kessel, with his trusty vessel, and soon I expect some great fame.  
And when it is stable, then Steel will be able, to safely return to his time line  
And we'll all be friends, that's how it all ends, and everything then will be so fine.  


STEEL: So you mean to say that, I was the centre of a massive time storm that reduced me to babyhood and brought you, and your time ship here.

THE THIRD DOCTOR: That is correct.

STEEL: And now my memory should return and all will return to normal.

THE THIRD DOCTOR: Indeed.

STEEL: I do not remember anything.

THE THIRD DOCTOR: That is very strange, and my time ship has not returned to normal either.

STEEL: Where is this time ship of which you speak?

IDRIS: 'Tis I, though my wits are all scattered

  
SONG - IDRIS

If were not a little mad and generally silly  
I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly;  
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question,  
And you'd really be astonished at the force of my suggestion.  
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,  
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,  
But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,  
So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter!  


THE THIRD DOCTOR: It is possible I have miscalculated. Everyone should come to my lab and I'll investigate further.

EXEUNT ALL except IDRIS

  
DUET - MILLENNIUM FALCON AND IDRIS

IDRIS. None shall part us from each other,  
One in life and death are we:  
All in all to one another—  
I to thee and thou to me!

BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower—  
Thou the idol; I the throng—  
Thou the day and I the hour—  
Thou the singer; I the song!

FALCON. All in all since that fond meeting  
When, in joy, I woke to find  
Mine the heart within thee beating,  
Mine the love that heart enshrined!

BOTH. Thou the stream and I the willow—  
Thou the sculptor; I the clay—  
Thou the Ocean; I the billow—  
Thou the sunrise; I the day!  


(Enter CHORUS OF AVENGERS)

  
CHORUS - SUPERHEROES

With cat-like tread,  
Upon our prey we steal;  
In silence dread,  
Our cautious way we feel.  
No sound at all!  
We never speak a word;  
A fly's foot-fall  
Would be distinctly heard—  
MILLENNIUM FALCON: (softly) Tarantara, tarantara!  
SUPERHEROS: So stealthily the heroes creep,  
While all the spaceship soundly sleeps.  
Come, friends, who boldly sing,  
Tony and Bruce Banner;  
Tasha has a hammer;  
Rescue Kur-y-akin  
With a little kidnapping!  
MILLENNIUM FALCON: (softly) To the bridge, all hands! To the bridge, all hands!  


IDRIS: The Avengers! The Avengers! Oh, despair!

(The AVENGERS wheel SAPPHIRE, encased in carbonite, onto the bridge of the Millennium Falcon.)

TONY (tapping on the carbonite): Hello, hello? Are you in there?

(At that moment the THIRD DOCTOR, BRIGADIER, LIZ, JO, HAN and STEEL rush onto the bridge. STEEL moves towards the statue as if drawn)

  
INVOCATION - STEEL

Sapphire!  
From thy dark exile thou art summoned!  
Come to our call—  
Come, come, Oh my Sapphire!  


(Blinding light pours forth from the statue and SAPPHIRE stumbles out)

  
STEEL: Sapphire thou livest.

SAPPHIRE: Aye!  
I live! Now let me die!

IDRIS: Once again the calm is broken!  
Thou thyself our doom has spoken!

CHORUS OF AVENGERS AND UNIT MEMBERS: Aiaiah! Aiaiah!  
Willahalah! Willaloo!  
Willahalah! Willaloo!

IDRIS: Bow thy head to Destiny:  
Death our doom, and we shall die!

(Artron energy begins to flash around the bridge)

CHORUS OF AVENGERS AND UNIT MEMBERS: Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.  


THE THIRD DOCTOR: Hold! Let me reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow.

(There is a bang and a flash. The Artron energy stops).

STEEL: My memory! It has returned.

ALL: Hurrah!

HAN: So why has Idris not returned to her form as a time ship?

SAPPHIRE: I'll tell you why. The time storm was originally created when Steel came into contact with his own human template, Illya Kuryakin.

COULSON: Who we have sought through time and space with the assistance of Thor and his allies. We brought with us the strange statue that just now came to life.

THE AVENGERS: Aye! We Have!

STEEL: But I am not Illya Kuryakin!

SAPPHIRE: No, Illya was cast back in time by the storm to the 1960s. While you were taken by the TARDIS to this far off location. It is Illya who has regained his memories and should, at this very moment be making his way the the headquarters of S.H.I.E.L.D's precursors. Steel and I will away to find him and then all will be well.

  
SAPPHIRE. Fare thee well, attractive strangers.  
STEEL. Fare thee well, attractive strangers.  
SAPPHIRE. Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger,  
Peril or perplexitee,  
Call us, and we'll come to thee!  
BOTH. Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee!  
Tripping hither, tripping thither,  
Nobody knows why or whither;  
We must now be taking wing  
To another fairy ring!  


  
IDRIS.

Come, I will away—my time ship crown awaits me—  
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart!  
The thought of TARDIS dignity elates me,  
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

FALCON.

Farewell, my love; abroad you must be getting;  
But while upon the time winds you gaily roam,  
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting—  
The tender little heart you've left at home!  


(SAPPHIRE pauses in her exit)

SAPPHIRE: But what is this, true lovers should ne'er be parted.

THE THIRD DOCTOR: What true lovers.

(SAPPHIRE's eyes glow blue)

SAPPHIRE: Even if separated by the wastes of time, you will always be in touch with each other.

THE THIRD DOCTOR: This is outrageous! Time and space ships can not fall in love!

  
SAPPHIRE. But they're going to have such great fun-  
ALL. Fun-Fun!  
SAPPHIRE. Your anger pray bury,  
For all will be merry,  
I think you had better succumb—  
ALL. Cumb—cumb.  
SAPPHIRE. And join our expressions of glee!  
STEEL. On this subject I pray you be dumb—  
ALL. Dumb—dumb!  
STEEL. Your notions, though many,  
Are not worth a penny,  
The word for your guidance is "Mum"—  
ALL. Mum—Mum!  
HAN. It isn't a problem for me.  
ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb—  
Dumb—dumb!  
We think you had better succumb—  
Cumb—cumb!  
You'll find there are many  
Who'll wed for a penny,  
It won't be a problem you'll see.

IDRIS. and FALCON. The threatened cloud has passed away,  
And brightly shines the dawning day;  
What though the night may come too soon,  
We've years and years of afternoon!  
ALL. Then let the throng  
Our joy advance,  
With laughing song  
And merry dance,  
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,  
Inaugurate our new career!  
Then let the throng, etc.  



End file.
